A report on a post-college quest-for-knowledge _OR_ Toot-Toot-Tootsie, hello. ABSTRACT Something was wondered, something was done, something was learned. NOT QUITE SO ABSTRACT Time after time, Scientific investigation, combined with advances in technology, has answered many of life's mysteries which had previously been believed to be limited to the realm of philosophy. Early astronomers solved the problem of "Why does the sun rise?" Discoveries about light and its refractive properties answered "Why is the sky blue?" And modern Physics may even give us "How did the universe begin?" And now, lack of any social life whatsoever brings us: HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE TOOTSIE-ROLL CENTER OF A TOOTSIE-POP? SURREAL For this investigation, I took 10 randomly selected tootsie-pops, of various flavours, picked one face, again randomly, and licked each one until I touched Tootsie (and was promptly slapped) (sorry). If anyone has any problems with my methods, lets see them waste THEIR time with this idiocy. GERMAN EXPRESSIONISM Results were as follows: POP # LICKS 1 193 2 772 3 518 4 422 5 1111 6 288 7 356 8 1085 9 595 10 1002 This yielded a mean of 634.2 I also dropped the highest and lowest scores, for a modified mean of 629.75 KIND OF LIKE THAT MOVIE, "ERASERHEAD" The wide range of scores has a number of causes. For one thing, tootsie-pop making technology is far from perfect. Often, the tootsie center is much closer to one side than the other. Also, my salivate the same amount at all times technique leaves a bit to be desired. Cest la Vache, or whatever. Inquiringly yours, Mark "Thermal Eye" Robertshaw (1990)